I had a friend reach out the other day. He was going to have a Zoom with a bunch of girlfriends he hadn’t spoken to in over a year. They had lost touch in a time when everyone was holding tight to what was most urgent and immediate in front of them.
This particular person had an extra dramatic year.
“How do I even begin to tell them everything that’s happened?” He wondered. It was the reason he called. He wanted advice as to how to begin.
“You don’t.” I said. “You’re setting a trap. You’ve lured them in to tell them about yourself. If you really want to reconnect, it can’t just all be about you.”
Everyone has a different capacity for holding your trauma. Some people are completely unable. Some are capable, but clumsy. Some are so capable they want to steamroll your drama and fix everything. It helps to know what you want out of the situation more than a dumping ground.
Shared history does not always equate intimacy.
If you find yourself in this situation, you’re struggling to figure out how to reconnect in a year where everyone has been impacted greatly, consider beginning like this.
I’ve had a tough year. Here are some of the things I’ve learned about myself and how I am best supported when things are tough. What I really want to know is what YOU’VE learned about yourself and how I can best show up when you’re struggling. If you aren’t sure yet, I would love to try to help you figure it out.
As for me, I need quiet time alone. To recharge, to create, sometimes to just stare at the ceiling in silence if I’m too overstimulated from everyone else’s needs and demands and noise. I need reminders that my resentment of the people around me is a result for my failure to recognize when I am not taking care for myself most.
Gotta go. I’m off on a birdwatching walk.